Jokes and Funny Stories Site

If you're into:
-wasting my time,
-sending double-messages,
-whining about never getting what you want from me,
-complaining about my drinking and drug use,
-expecting me to be your mommy and fix your life,
-thinking you're the only thing worthwhile in my life,
-using me to carry your heavy bags of groceries that you feel resentful sharing with me,
-telling me you love me then disappearing without an explanation,
-talking shit about me to my/your/anyone's friends,
-ignoring me in public,
-not introducing me to your family,
-guilting me for spending time with my buddies,
-making me listen to your droll monologues about the unbearably boring things in your head
-thinking I can read your mind when you say nothing is wrong-and you're crying and won't look at me,
-forgetting my birthday,
-blaming all of your problems on me
-abusing my dog,
-killing my cat,
-kicking me out of my home when I am disabled and broke,
-being a self-rightous, controlling, spoiled victim/princess,
-leaving me for a man,
-ignoring my safe word,
-thinking yours is the only valid perspective,
-flirting with all my friends and lying about it,
-getting lazy in bed after the first two misleading months of our hot relationship
-stealing the gifts you've given to me after you get mad,
-dressing up to go out with your friends and wearing sweatpants and hairy legs when we have a date,
-constantly chattering just to hear your own irritating voice
-calling me someone else's name........................

You are the one for me...coffee?