Saturday, February 04, 2006
RANT: Pregnancy
Who in the hell's idea was this shit? Let's give a woman a f-in' uterus, some handle-bar like tubes comin' off it, and smack some "ovaries" on the end, so she can MAKE BABIES. Yeah! Good idea!!
NO!
F**K NO!
Alright, to start off...yeah, I'm pregnant. And no, not the "Shit the condom broke, and I don't even know his name, how the hell am I gonna finish middle school now?" kinda pregnant. The pregnant by someone I knew I wanted to have children with, spend the rest of my life with, and consequently got married to, kinda pregnant. (And no, we didn't get hitched because of the rugrat to be, we didn't even know at the time...)
*Ahem* Anyway - although I do know for sure that I want to be a parent, can't we just skip this part? I mean really? Can my hubby and I trade off month for month?
Why? Here's why:
1. I HATE my favorite food. Yet I eat things a goat would puke at the thought of.
2. Anyone need a pool toy? Well, you can use my pasty, white bloated ass. Breathing makes me bloat. THINKING about breathing makes me bloat.
3. I am the definition of bitch. Look in the dictionary. (I'll wait while you dig it out and dust it off.) Good? Ok, now flip to the B's. Yeah, there, the picture next to bitch? Thats yours truly!
4. Suddenly I have narcolepsy. I fall asleep while sleeping! My bedtime is now 5:30pm. Most of the time I'm not even home from work yet. (Sorry to the guy I almost swerved into on the highway yesterday!)
5. Mysterious aches and twitches. If it weren't for the date on my driver's license, I would honestly believe I'm 60. WTF? I can't even bend over anymore!
6. Nausea. Know what if feels like to be just one shot off praying to the porcelain goddess all night on a night out with the girls? Imagine that ALL day, sans the night o' fun.
7. Stretch marks. Geeeeezus. I'm not even SHOWING and I'm getting stretch marks. I'm gonna look like an albino tiger by the time this is all over.
8. Zits. Holy Clean & Clear, Batman! My fingernails get zits. My zits get zits. Go ahead, change your face wash, I dare ya.
9. Migraines. At least for me. Jiminy cricket, I know there is increased blood, but does it ALL have to do to my head, atthesametime?
10. Gas. As in walking farts. And not just walking farts, sleeping farts, cuddling with the husband farts, working farts, driving farts, and farting farts.
Adopt. Save yourself. There are millions of children out there that need you. Take it from a Prego.
Who in the hell's idea was this shit? Let's give a woman a f-in' uterus, some handle-bar like tubes comin' off it, and smack some "ovaries" on the end, so she can MAKE BABIES. Yeah! Good idea!!
NO!
F**K NO!
Alright, to start off...yeah, I'm pregnant. And no, not the "Shit the condom broke, and I don't even know his name, how the hell am I gonna finish middle school now?" kinda pregnant. The pregnant by someone I knew I wanted to have children with, spend the rest of my life with, and consequently got married to, kinda pregnant. (And no, we didn't get hitched because of the rugrat to be, we didn't even know at the time...)
*Ahem* Anyway - although I do know for sure that I want to be a parent, can't we just skip this part? I mean really? Can my hubby and I trade off month for month?
Why? Here's why:
1. I HATE my favorite food. Yet I eat things a goat would puke at the thought of.
2. Anyone need a pool toy? Well, you can use my pasty, white bloated ass. Breathing makes me bloat. THINKING about breathing makes me bloat.
3. I am the definition of bitch. Look in the dictionary. (I'll wait while you dig it out and dust it off.) Good? Ok, now flip to the B's. Yeah, there, the picture next to bitch? Thats yours truly!
4. Suddenly I have narcolepsy. I fall asleep while sleeping! My bedtime is now 5:30pm. Most of the time I'm not even home from work yet. (Sorry to the guy I almost swerved into on the highway yesterday!)
5. Mysterious aches and twitches. If it weren't for the date on my driver's license, I would honestly believe I'm 60. WTF? I can't even bend over anymore!
6. Nausea. Know what if feels like to be just one shot off praying to the porcelain goddess all night on a night out with the girls? Imagine that ALL day, sans the night o' fun.
7. Stretch marks. Geeeeezus. I'm not even SHOWING and I'm getting stretch marks. I'm gonna look like an albino tiger by the time this is all over.
8. Zits. Holy Clean & Clear, Batman! My fingernails get zits. My zits get zits. Go ahead, change your face wash, I dare ya.
9. Migraines. At least for me. Jiminy cricket, I know there is increased blood, but does it ALL have to do to my head, atthesametime?
10. Gas. As in walking farts. And not just walking farts, sleeping farts, cuddling with the husband farts, working farts, driving farts, and farting farts.
Adopt. Save yourself. There are millions of children out there that need you. Take it from a Prego.
