Jokes and Funny Stories Site

I love my bed; there’s a great view, a fireplace, a beside table on each side, with cool books and sketch pads. The only problem is others don’t seem to know my bed exists. To wit: I’ve done a horrible job of marketing my bed. Sure, when a woman sees me on the street, she realizes on a super-subconscious level that I have a bed. But I kind of want some of the women I see on the street to actually come over and check my bed out, give it a test drive so to speak.

Now I have an open mind. I’m sure there are other great beds in the city and I would be willing to test drive other beds. My bed won’t be jealous, I’m certain. So maybe I am looking for a mean game of bed-swapping?

What I look like in my bed: I sleep on my stomach, except if there is a woman with me, in which case I can pull off a mean spoon. I am six-feet long, because I think I gain at least a half-inch since that pesky gravity isn’t acting on me in a vertical fashion. I have on boxers and a t-shirt if it’s cold. I have blue eyes, which you can’t see because my eyes are closed. I have a good body (translation: I am not embarrassed to take my shirt off at the beach, and sometimes when I do, someone will say, ‘nice body’).

What you look like in bed: you can sleep any way you want, as long as you don’t push your butt way out into my side of the bed, thus hogging the bed. If you do that, I’ll have to slap you on the ass to make you move over, unless we’re fooling around, then I might slap you on the ass any way, but only if I’ve cleared it with you first. You are wearing underwear and a t-shirt. You are in good shape and maybe you even workout on a regular basis or practice yoga, but not in the bed, unless we’re fooling around…

Please don’t ask to come see my bed if: you are mean; you are materialistic; you don’t like to spend long, but productive, hours in said bed; you eat in bed; you didn’t have a bed at college; you smoke in bed, or any where else; your bed isn’t in the city; you don’t consider yourself intelligent and wise.

do you need someone to sit and stare at a computer screen all day, listlessly answering a barely ringing phone, making the occasional pot of coffee or filing semi-useless documents?

i'm your gal!

i can sit for a full eight hours with little or nothing to do and still keep my sunny personality ready and waiting for your next mindless request. why? because even with endless hours on my ass, i have a trick to prevent my brain from turning into oatmeal.
how does she do it, you ask?

freecell!

yes, enough with this internet nonsense. who needs a T1 when the microsoft office suite comes bountifully equipped with freecell?

god bless you, freecell, the chess of my desktop.

who can win a game with four aces buried in a stack replete with needless 3's? i can!
who throws caution to the wind and has no fear of three kings in the free spots if it'll free up some aces?
i do!

my stats are at 87%, my streak is 6, and i would have better stats if my goddamn computer hadn't crashed and ended a game i was definitively winning.

so if you need someone to sit at a desk and look very very concentrated as though working very very hard when in reality responsibility is menial and far-between, gimme a ring!

i'll call you back when i finish my next game of freecell.

You: Hot. There's no other suitably words to describe you. Pure and simple. Scorching, on fire, sizzling....no. Pure and simple you were increadibly hot. I have not been the same since I saw you at lunch. I ache still with your memory.

Who was I. I was the poor sorry schlub who put you in my mouth where you proceeded to burn it's roof with your cheesy saucy crusty goodness. Man, it hurts.

But I got you. I ate you down good. I don't suppose I'll see you again for some hours and I'll be damned if you're ever that hot again. So take that.

FREE: Alarm Clock, Reminder Service, Motivator, Ego Check, Bank Account Services, Life Planner and much MUCH MORE!!! (See bottom item)

Alarm Clock: Will wake you up one hour before alarm is set to go off to let you know you have one hour (err..now 59 minutes) left to sleep.

Reminder Service: Will be kind enough to remind you 8 times that the garbage has to go out in the morning, that you haven't sent a thank-you card to her mother for the Cosby sweater she gave you for your birthday, that her last boyfriend had "more", that the two of you never get to talk about anything, and lastly that she is doing you a favor by "Keeping on top of you so that something around here gets done!".

Motivator: It will talk about the last time it wore something sexy to bed before you became an a-hole, that you never had and probably never will amount to anything although you are in school getting your masters and working two jobs to pay for it (although it will ask "Why don't you just have daddy pay for it?", as well as many other helpful comments to get you to "be the person you should be".

Ego Check: When you think you have done a good job on a project, she reminds you that:
A - It shouldn't have taken soooo long to do
B - Her dog could have done it better

Bank Account Services: Have a bank account? Take to much time to balance your accounts? No need to worry! It will clear out all of that mess and clutter you've accumulated in your accounts within months!

Life Planner: Many people have problems finding there way in life. Well, those problems are a thing of the past!!! You'll never have a question as to what you should do or become on your journey through life. It will always have the answer and will let you know in no uncertain terms what you are to do.

If you are interested in these services, please contact me so that you may come and pick-up my girlfriend......who provides all of these services.

She's FREE! Well, to pick-up that is. Once you have her, that's your problem.

Free delivery
Free supply of vodka, Advil and earplugs.

While I'm not fond of the spam, I understand it's a job; and in this economy, a job that pays the bills is to be appreciated.

Since I seem to get over 100 spam emails a day, I consider myself quite knowledgeable. Here's a few suggestions for you to make your spamming more successful:

1. Emailing me the same message 40 times in one day doesn't make me read them. It's just as easy to click the button that says delete all messages as it is to delete only one. Basically, I'm telling you this so you can save some time- it must take a few seconds to repeatedly send out the same message to thousands of addresses.

2. I'm a woman. I have no desire to increase my penis size, or make my erections last longer. Please market your "goods" to the appropriate demographic. I'm sure you got that info from whatever mailing list you purchased my email address from- why not use it?

3. Sending me an email that appears to have been sent from my email address doesn't make me read it. Are you really banking on the thought that I forgot that I sent myself an email about how to make thousands of dollars working from home? First of all, I don't generally send email to myself. If I did, I'm generally going to remember doing it. So why not just put the real email address there?

4. Your newest trick- saying the email is from "Sally" regarding "Tim" (feel free to change the names to whichever ones you're using- I get a variety of them). Clever, but really- do you think we're going to fall for that? In most cases, you're not even using common names. How many Kellys have a friend named Sarota sending them emails about a guy named Jawad? I'm guessing not many. So everyone else will just delete it without opening it. And since your spam has nothing to do with Jawad, why not just be up front with what it's about? Just once, I'd like to see an email titled "yeah, it's more spam, but why not take a look?"... you know what- I would probably look at it!

5. At least try to be creative. If you've got to spam, can you at least entertain me? There's nothing worse than getting spam from "lkdjrfoweir" with a subject titled "jjkkkkkwww"... yeah- it doesn't really make me want to read it.

6. Again, I'm a woman. Not that you'd know my sexuality, but the majority of the population is heterosexual. So sending out nude photos of women isn't going to lure most of us women in. Save that for the men.

7. Titling the subject line "re:" doesn't make me think that you're responding to an email I sent you.

Bottom line, if you must inconvenience me, can you at least have the courtesy to get it right?