Monday, February 27, 2006
420 Explained
Connotative Use/Meaning
420 is a phreak's (and not just a hippie's) favorite number for a variety of reasons, or maybe for no reason at all, but colloquially the number says pot -- "let's smoke pot", or "someone's smoking pot", or "gee, i really like pot", or "time to smoke pot", either by time (4:20 a.m. or p.m.), date (April 20th), or otherwise (e.g. State Route 420). April 20th at 4:20 is marked by annual events in Mount Tamalpais, CA (an informal gathering); Marin Conty, CA (the 420 Hemp Fest); Ann Arbor, MI (the Hash Bash); and Washington, D.C. (buildup towards the July 4th Smoke-In).
Original Source(s)
Conventional wisdom: The most common tale is that 420 is the police radio code or criminal code (and therefore the police "call") in certain part(s) of California (e.g. in Los Angeles or San Francisco) for having spotted someone consuming cannabis publicly, i.e. "pot smoking in progress"; that local cannabis users picked up on the code and began celebrating the number temporally (esp. 4:20 a.m., 4:20 p.m., and April 20); that the number became nationally popularized in the late 1980s and, more ferverently, in the early- to mid-1990s; and is colloquially applied to a variety of relaxed and/or inspired contexts, including not only pot consumption but also a "good time" more generally (in contrast to the drug war surrounding).
Conventions are legends: 420 is not police radio code for anything, anywhere. Checks of criminal codes (including those of the City of San Francisco, the City of Los Angeles, Los Angeles County, the State of California, and the federal penal code) suggest that the origin is neither Californian nor federal (the two best guesses). For instance, California Penal Code 420 defines as a misdemeanor the hindrance of use ("obstructing entry") of public lands, and California Family Code 420 defines what constitutes a wedding ceremony (Marco). One state does come close: "The Illinois Department of Revenue classifies the Alcoholic Liquor Act under Part 420, and the Cannabis and Controlled Substances Tax Act are next, under Part 428." (RB 5/19/99)
True story?: "According to Steven Hager, editor of High Times, the term 420 originated at San Rafael High School, in 1971, among a group of about a dozen pot-smoking wiseacres who called themselves the Waldos. The term 420 was shorthand for the time of day the group would meet, at the campus statue of Louis Pasteur, to smoke pot. ``Waldo Steve,' a member of the group who now owns a business in San Francisco, says the Waldos would salute each other in the school hallway and say ``420 Louis!' The term was one of many invented by the group, but it was the one that caught on. ``It was just a joke, but it came to mean all kinds of things, like `Do you have any?' or `Do I look stoned?' ' he said. ``Parents and teachers wouldn't know what we were talking about.' The term took root, and flourished, and spread beyond San Rafael with the assistance of the Grateful Dead and their dedicated cohort of pot-smoking fans. The Waldos decided to assert their claim to the history of the term after decades of watching it spread, mutate and be appropriated by commercial interests. The Waldos contacted Hager, and presented him with evidence of 420's history, primarily a collection of postmarked letters from the early '70s with lots of mention of 420. They also started a Web site, waldo420.com. ``We have proof, we were the first,' Waldo Steve said. ``I mean, it's not like we wrote a book or invented anything. We just came up with a phrase. But it's kind of an honor that this emanated from San Rafael.'" Maria Alicia Gaura for the San Francisco Chronicle, 4/20/00 p. A19; and thanks to Noah Cole for the submission
Alternate explanations
There are a variety of other explanations, all much more interesting than "police code", and many plausible. Some are more likely uses of the 420/hemp connection rather than sources of it, such as the score for the football game in Fast Times at Ridgement High, 42-0.
Known Myths: It isn't police code (see above). There are 315 chemicals in marijuana, not 420. And although tea time in Amsterdam is rumored to be 4:20, it is actually 5:30 (Gerhard den Hollander).
Sixties Songs: For instance, Bob Dylan's famous "Rainy Day Women #12 and 35" is a possible reference, or source -- 12x35=420. And Stephen Stills wrote (and Crosby Stills Nash & Young performed) a song "4+20" (first recorded 7/16/69, released on Deja Vu 3/11/70) about an 84-year-old poverty-stricken man who started and finished with nothing. (Thanks to Sherry Keel 12/6/98.) Dylan aslo mentions "4 and 20 windows" in "The Balland of Frankie Lee and Judas Priest" (on John Wesley Harding).
Older Verse: But 420 in poetry is older than that - Greg Keller notes the old nursery rhyme line, "four and twenty black birds baked in a pie". Revelation 5:14 (in the King James Version of the Christian Bible) reads, "And the four beasts said 'A-Men.' And the four and twenty elders fell down and worshipped him that liveth for ever and ever." (Travis Spurley 2/15/99) And in Midnight's_Children, Salman Rushdie wrote, "Inevitably, a number of these children failed to survive. Malnutrition, disease and the misfortunes of everyday life had accounted for no less than four hundred and twenty of them by the time I became conscious of their existence; although it is possible to hypothesize that these deaths, too, had their purpose, since 420 has been, since time immemorial, the number associated with fraud, deception and trickery." (Comet 2/14/98) Comet's "best guess is that this refers to something in Indian mythology or numerology, since the book is set in India and frequently involves Indian history, culture, and religion. Given the high interest in Eastern religion among the phish/dead community, this seems a likely origin of 420's current significance."
Temporal Significance: "Hands on analog clock at 4:20 look like position of doobie dangling from mouth" "Larry in Tuscan" and Alex Mack 5/19/99). Disruptive students are out of detention and safetly away from school by 4:20, also rumored to be "the time that you should dose to be peaking when the Dead went on stage" Hart. "The Waldos" were a group of teens back in the 70's that lived in San Rafael, CA. 420 was the way they talked about pot in front of teachers, non-smoking family members etc. Also it was the time of day they could just go relax, and get baked." ("PhunkCellar") Jamaicans purportedly "worked till 4 then walked home then lit up. They would talk 420 like our parents talked about after 5. That's when partying began" "Larry in Tuscan"). Albert (not Abbie) Hofmann supposedly first encountered LSD at 4:20 p.m. on 4/19/1943 (Bart Coleman citing Storming Heaven by Jay Stevens, recommended by Mickey Hart in Planet Drum). Surrealist painter Miro was born April 20, 1893. And www.filmspeed.com says the propoganda film Reefer Madness has a copyright date of April 20, 1936 (i.e. 4/20). (Patrick Woolford)
Misc: Could be that it comes from hydroponics, the practice of cultivating plants in water often used by indoor marijuana cultivators, since 4 is used for H on a calculator (420/H20). (Nick Lowe 3/30/00) The number 80 (eight) is "quatre vingt" (pronounced "cah-truh vahn"), meaning "four (times} twenty". Dan Nijjar 1/27/00 (No connection yet between the number 80 and pot. A quarter pound is roughly 120 grams, rounding quarter-ounces to 7.5.) The titanic was supposed to arrive 4/20/1912. (Thanks to RB.) Perhaps the heavy use of vt420 terminals in the Berkeley area is to blame? (BTW, 420 in binary code is 110100100.)
Ubiquitous?
Now there's a 420 Pale Ale. One of the late-97/early-98 "Got Milk" ads featured a character eating cookies without milk and then passing a sign that reads "Next Rest Area 420 miles" (as Ross Bruning). Reportedly, all of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. Shirts with the number 420 on the red-and-blue interstate highway shield (Interstate 420?) have show up on the sitcom Will and Grace (Paul Risenhoover 5/14/99) and in several videos. UPS' labelling software has a "420 postal code" legend for next-day/2-day deliveries (which is how Phish tickets are sent). (Jack Lebowitz 10/3/98) MTV's 1997 Viewer's Choice Award (for the MTV Video Awards) was decided by calls to 1-800-420-4MTV. And by May of 1998, the number was appearing in so many ads (eg Copenhagen 5/14/98 Rolling Stone p54, Corvette p55 5/98 Car & Driver) that its presence is presumed to be intentional. Many songs are around 4 minutes 20 seconds long (since many songs fall between 2:30 and 5:30), including for example Pink Floyd's "A Great Day for Freedom" (on The Division Bell, 1994), the Foo Fighters' "My Hero", and "Smokin'" from Boston's first album. "There have also been some 420 references on The Simpsons. In the re-run episode aired on April 20th, 1999 at a special time (probably in honor of those college students staying in the holiday spirit ;-), Homer mentions to Flanders that Barney's birthday is April 20th. Also, the jackpot sign in one part of the casino says $420,000. There are a couple less concrete ones, but these two have to be legit, especially since they decided to air THAT particular episode on 4/20/99." (Submitted by Matt Meehan 4/21/99) And (as of Fall '99) the 60 free minutes that Working Assets Long Distance offers, at the 7 cents per minute rate, is $4.20 free. There's even a band named 420, and another names . In the first fifteen pages of Karel Capek's novel War with the Newts, a man diving under wonder stayed down for four minutes and twenty seconds. Grant Garstka 1/6/00 At the suggested retail price ($3.96) and Michigan (6%) sales tax, a deck of Uno cards costs $4.20. Nic Boris 4:20 marks the first downbeat of the drums in Led Zeppelin's epic "Stairway to Heaven." (Dan Harris) The bill authorizing force after the World Trade Center attacks of 9/11/01 passed 420 to 1, and news reports in following months noted many times that there are (or were then, anyway) 420 airports in the U.S. Allan Morris And don't forget that Adolf Hitler was born on April 20, macabely "celebrated" (or at least referenced) via the Columbine High School shootings.
420 is a phreak's (and not just a hippie's) favorite number for a variety of reasons, or maybe for no reason at all, but colloquially the number says pot -- "let's smoke pot", or "someone's smoking pot", or "gee, i really like pot", or "time to smoke pot", either by time (4:20 a.m. or p.m.), date (April 20th), or otherwise (e.g. State Route 420). April 20th at 4:20 is marked by annual events in Mount Tamalpais, CA (an informal gathering); Marin Conty, CA (the 420 Hemp Fest); Ann Arbor, MI (the Hash Bash); and Washington, D.C. (buildup towards the July 4th Smoke-In).
Original Source(s)
Conventional wisdom: The most common tale is that 420 is the police radio code or criminal code (and therefore the police "call") in certain part(s) of California (e.g. in Los Angeles or San Francisco) for having spotted someone consuming cannabis publicly, i.e. "pot smoking in progress"; that local cannabis users picked up on the code and began celebrating the number temporally (esp. 4:20 a.m., 4:20 p.m., and April 20); that the number became nationally popularized in the late 1980s and, more ferverently, in the early- to mid-1990s; and is colloquially applied to a variety of relaxed and/or inspired contexts, including not only pot consumption but also a "good time" more generally (in contrast to the drug war surrounding).
Conventions are legends: 420 is not police radio code for anything, anywhere. Checks of criminal codes (including those of the City of San Francisco, the City of Los Angeles, Los Angeles County, the State of California, and the federal penal code) suggest that the origin is neither Californian nor federal (the two best guesses). For instance, California Penal Code 420 defines as a misdemeanor the hindrance of use ("obstructing entry") of public lands, and California Family Code 420 defines what constitutes a wedding ceremony (Marco). One state does come close: "The Illinois Department of Revenue classifies the Alcoholic Liquor Act under Part 420, and the Cannabis and Controlled Substances Tax Act are next, under Part 428." (RB 5/19/99)
True story?: "According to Steven Hager, editor of High Times, the term 420 originated at San Rafael High School, in 1971, among a group of about a dozen pot-smoking wiseacres who called themselves the Waldos. The term 420 was shorthand for the time of day the group would meet, at the campus statue of Louis Pasteur, to smoke pot. ``Waldo Steve,' a member of the group who now owns a business in San Francisco, says the Waldos would salute each other in the school hallway and say ``420 Louis!' The term was one of many invented by the group, but it was the one that caught on. ``It was just a joke, but it came to mean all kinds of things, like `Do you have any?' or `Do I look stoned?' ' he said. ``Parents and teachers wouldn't know what we were talking about.' The term took root, and flourished, and spread beyond San Rafael with the assistance of the Grateful Dead and their dedicated cohort of pot-smoking fans. The Waldos decided to assert their claim to the history of the term after decades of watching it spread, mutate and be appropriated by commercial interests. The Waldos contacted Hager, and presented him with evidence of 420's history, primarily a collection of postmarked letters from the early '70s with lots of mention of 420. They also started a Web site, waldo420.com. ``We have proof, we were the first,' Waldo Steve said. ``I mean, it's not like we wrote a book or invented anything. We just came up with a phrase. But it's kind of an honor that this emanated from San Rafael.'" Maria Alicia Gaura for the San Francisco Chronicle, 4/20/00 p. A19; and thanks to Noah Cole for the submission
Alternate explanations
There are a variety of other explanations, all much more interesting than "police code", and many plausible. Some are more likely uses of the 420/hemp connection rather than sources of it, such as the score for the football game in Fast Times at Ridgement High, 42-0.
Known Myths: It isn't police code (see above). There are 315 chemicals in marijuana, not 420. And although tea time in Amsterdam is rumored to be 4:20, it is actually 5:30 (Gerhard den Hollander).
Sixties Songs: For instance, Bob Dylan's famous "Rainy Day Women #12 and 35" is a possible reference, or source -- 12x35=420. And Stephen Stills wrote (and Crosby Stills Nash & Young performed) a song "4+20" (first recorded 7/16/69, released on Deja Vu 3/11/70) about an 84-year-old poverty-stricken man who started and finished with nothing. (Thanks to Sherry Keel 12/6/98.) Dylan aslo mentions "4 and 20 windows" in "The Balland of Frankie Lee and Judas Priest" (on John Wesley Harding).
Older Verse: But 420 in poetry is older than that - Greg Keller notes the old nursery rhyme line, "four and twenty black birds baked in a pie". Revelation 5:14 (in the King James Version of the Christian Bible) reads, "And the four beasts said 'A-Men.' And the four and twenty elders fell down and worshipped him that liveth for ever and ever." (Travis Spurley 2/15/99) And in Midnight's_Children, Salman Rushdie wrote, "Inevitably, a number of these children failed to survive. Malnutrition, disease and the misfortunes of everyday life had accounted for no less than four hundred and twenty of them by the time I became conscious of their existence; although it is possible to hypothesize that these deaths, too, had their purpose, since 420 has been, since time immemorial, the number associated with fraud, deception and trickery." (Comet 2/14/98) Comet's "best guess is that this refers to something in Indian mythology or numerology, since the book is set in India and frequently involves Indian history, culture, and religion. Given the high interest in Eastern religion among the phish/dead community, this seems a likely origin of 420's current significance."
Temporal Significance: "Hands on analog clock at 4:20 look like position of doobie dangling from mouth" "Larry in Tuscan" and Alex Mack 5/19/99). Disruptive students are out of detention and safetly away from school by 4:20, also rumored to be "the time that you should dose to be peaking when the Dead went on stage" Hart. "The Waldos" were a group of teens back in the 70's that lived in San Rafael, CA. 420 was the way they talked about pot in front of teachers, non-smoking family members etc. Also it was the time of day they could just go relax, and get baked." ("PhunkCellar") Jamaicans purportedly "worked till 4 then walked home then lit up. They would talk 420 like our parents talked about after 5. That's when partying began" "Larry in Tuscan"). Albert (not Abbie) Hofmann supposedly first encountered LSD at 4:20 p.m. on 4/19/1943 (Bart Coleman citing Storming Heaven by Jay Stevens, recommended by Mickey Hart in Planet Drum). Surrealist painter Miro was born April 20, 1893. And www.filmspeed.com says the propoganda film Reefer Madness has a copyright date of April 20, 1936 (i.e. 4/20). (Patrick Woolford)
Misc: Could be that it comes from hydroponics, the practice of cultivating plants in water often used by indoor marijuana cultivators, since 4 is used for H on a calculator (420/H20). (Nick Lowe 3/30/00) The number 80 (eight) is "quatre vingt" (pronounced "cah-truh vahn"), meaning "four (times} twenty". Dan Nijjar 1/27/00 (No connection yet between the number 80 and pot. A quarter pound is roughly 120 grams, rounding quarter-ounces to 7.5.) The titanic was supposed to arrive 4/20/1912. (Thanks to RB.) Perhaps the heavy use of vt420 terminals in the Berkeley area is to blame? (BTW, 420 in binary code is 110100100.)
Ubiquitous?
Now there's a 420 Pale Ale. One of the late-97/early-98 "Got Milk" ads featured a character eating cookies without milk and then passing a sign that reads "Next Rest Area 420 miles" (as Ross Bruning). Reportedly, all of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. Shirts with the number 420 on the red-and-blue interstate highway shield (Interstate 420?) have show up on the sitcom Will and Grace (Paul Risenhoover 5/14/99) and in several videos. UPS' labelling software has a "420 postal code" legend for next-day/2-day deliveries (which is how Phish tickets are sent). (Jack Lebowitz 10/3/98) MTV's 1997 Viewer's Choice Award (for the MTV Video Awards) was decided by calls to 1-800-420-4MTV. And by May of 1998, the number was appearing in so many ads (eg Copenhagen 5/14/98 Rolling Stone p54, Corvette p55 5/98 Car & Driver) that its presence is presumed to be intentional. Many songs are around 4 minutes 20 seconds long (since many songs fall between 2:30 and 5:30), including for example Pink Floyd's "A Great Day for Freedom" (on The Division Bell, 1994), the Foo Fighters' "My Hero", and "Smokin'" from Boston's first album. "There have also been some 420 references on The Simpsons. In the re-run episode aired on April 20th, 1999 at a special time (probably in honor of those college students staying in the holiday spirit ;-), Homer mentions to Flanders that Barney's birthday is April 20th. Also, the jackpot sign in one part of the casino says $420,000. There are a couple less concrete ones, but these two have to be legit, especially since they decided to air THAT particular episode on 4/20/99." (Submitted by Matt Meehan 4/21/99) And (as of Fall '99) the 60 free minutes that Working Assets Long Distance offers, at the 7 cents per minute rate, is $4.20 free. There's even a band named 420, and another names . In the first fifteen pages of Karel Capek's novel War with the Newts, a man diving under wonder stayed down for four minutes and twenty seconds. Grant Garstka 1/6/00 At the suggested retail price ($3.96) and Michigan (6%) sales tax, a deck of Uno cards costs $4.20. Nic Boris 4:20 marks the first downbeat of the drums in Led Zeppelin's epic "Stairway to Heaven." (Dan Harris) The bill authorizing force after the World Trade Center attacks of 9/11/01 passed 420 to 1, and news reports in following months noted many times that there are (or were then, anyway) 420 airports in the U.S. Allan Morris And don't forget that Adolf Hitler was born on April 20, macabely "celebrated" (or at least referenced) via the Columbine High School shootings.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Very pregnant and very evil
Are you in your third trimester of pregnancy and going totally insane? Did you friend come stay the weekend with her one year and three year old who shrieked, tantrumed, and bratted until the wee hours every night, causing you to bang your head repeatedly against the wall screaming IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT quietly to yourself, bemoaning the urge to reproduce that struck you eight months ago? Do you mourn your flat stomach like a dead favorite uncle? Do you dread leaking fluid from multiple orifices more than labor pain? Do you make pitiful attempts to dress like your old self in your black maternity tank top only to gape in horror at the gothic watermelon belly that stares back at you from your bathroom mirror? Did you refuse to register before your co-workers threw you a shower and are now drowning in 985,324 ruffled pink 3-6 months outfits that you will burn before you ever dress your fetus in them? Do you make valiant attempts not to waddle at the expense of severe back pain? Do the Noe Valley baby jogger moms scare the living crap out of you? Would you sell your soul for a vodka martini?
If the answers to any of the above questions are a resounding YES, then perhaps I am the sarcastic, black-humored, witty, anti-everything babys' r' us pregnancy companion that you dread sitting next to in Lamaze class. I haven't decorated my nursery yet (and when I do I'll be damned if there is gonna be any ducks in bonnets or winnie the poos in evidence), my husband is scared of me and thinks I will be a horrible mother, and now that I am done with work for the summer, I spend all my time doing construction work on my decaying TIC and then take great pleasure in horrifying my mother by telling her all about it, in detail, complete with descriptions of me climbing up ladders and breathing in paint fumes (kidding).
I fear I am the only pregnant person like me in existence. Am I?
If the answers to any of the above questions are a resounding YES, then perhaps I am the sarcastic, black-humored, witty, anti-everything babys' r' us pregnancy companion that you dread sitting next to in Lamaze class. I haven't decorated my nursery yet (and when I do I'll be damned if there is gonna be any ducks in bonnets or winnie the poos in evidence), my husband is scared of me and thinks I will be a horrible mother, and now that I am done with work for the summer, I spend all my time doing construction work on my decaying TIC and then take great pleasure in horrifying my mother by telling her all about it, in detail, complete with descriptions of me climbing up ladders and breathing in paint fumes (kidding).
I fear I am the only pregnant person like me in existence. Am I?
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Cyber Sex
What happened to cyber sex. I remember it having some popularity in the late 90's but I don't here about it anymore, must have been lousy.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Fair is Fair
...if men are so insistent that we all look good in a bikini, then we should insist that they be rich, have a full head of hair, and a big dick. It's only fair, right?
Monday, February 20, 2006
Cold Eeze and Airborne losers
How can you be so stupid? You think there's a cure for the common cold? Let me guess. You felt like you were getting a cold, you took some Airborne and you never got a cold. I feel like I might be getting a cold all the time. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. It has nothing to do with any snake oil, bullshit, homeopathic, hocus pocus. You're being made a fool of. Wake up and stop buying that crap. The creators of this stuff are laughing at you all the way to the bank. Think for goodness sakes!
Sunday, February 19, 2006
WHEN WILL MY FATHER PICK A BRIDE FOR ME?
Someone e-mailed me this so I figured I'll post it.
//////////////////////////////////////////
I am an Indian boy, age 22
I am very handsome, one meter tall and thin.
I will screw anyone with my small cock but the bride must be a virgin with a big dowry We will live together in a room in Leeds that my mother cleans once in a fortnight. I have a VISA It is a quiet room (good for studies) because all the neighbors have moved out due to my cooking stink
//////////////////////////////////////////
I am an Indian boy, age 22
I am very handsome, one meter tall and thin.
I will screw anyone with my small cock but the bride must be a virgin with a big dowry We will live together in a room in Leeds that my mother cleans once in a fortnight. I have a VISA It is a quiet room (good for studies) because all the neighbors have moved out due to my cooking stink
Thursday, February 16, 2006
vroom vroom!
I am looking for someone to share my fantasy. I have blonde long straight hair, blue eyes, 5'10 thin and 27. I would love to meet a man who has lots of vibrating or noisy appliances! I, myself have a small collection going.
We can start in the bedroom, with all the lights on, all the fans on, the computer on, NPR has to be on. First, we will kiss softly, and then you will proceed to unbutton my blouse, and feel my breasts.
Next we will move to the den where we will turn on the laptop, the TV, the paper shredder, turn on the fax machine I'll make sure my printer is printing and feeding directly into the paper shredder. I will sit in my vibrating office chair while you perform cunnilingus.
From there we will move to the living room, where we will start the vacuum cleaner, and the TV . My fish tank will be turned on so it produces noise, I will also turn on my humidifier, and stereo. I will release my 3 noisy parakeets so they can fly around the room and climb the blinds. In this room, I will give you oral ecastsy, but no cumming yet.
For the grand finale, we will make our way to the kitchen, where we will turn on the garbage disposal, dishwasher, blender, food processor, microwave, and sink. You will then throw me on the kitchen table, have your way with me and climax amidst the cacaphony. Any new additions to the appliance collections are welcome. Please send me a picture of youself, or one with your favorite appliance. Hope to find you soon.
+++++++++++++
Just a joke people
+++++++++++++
We can start in the bedroom, with all the lights on, all the fans on, the computer on, NPR has to be on. First, we will kiss softly, and then you will proceed to unbutton my blouse, and feel my breasts.
Next we will move to the den where we will turn on the laptop, the TV, the paper shredder, turn on the fax machine I'll make sure my printer is printing and feeding directly into the paper shredder. I will sit in my vibrating office chair while you perform cunnilingus.
From there we will move to the living room, where we will start the vacuum cleaner, and the TV . My fish tank will be turned on so it produces noise, I will also turn on my humidifier, and stereo. I will release my 3 noisy parakeets so they can fly around the room and climb the blinds. In this room, I will give you oral ecastsy, but no cumming yet.
For the grand finale, we will make our way to the kitchen, where we will turn on the garbage disposal, dishwasher, blender, food processor, microwave, and sink. You will then throw me on the kitchen table, have your way with me and climax amidst the cacaphony. Any new additions to the appliance collections are welcome. Please send me a picture of youself, or one with your favorite appliance. Hope to find you soon.
+++++++++++++
Just a joke people
+++++++++++++
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
We played Magic(tm), now let's *make* it!
You know who you are.
Last week's Voladon Grand Battle: you were wearing the Punisher t-shirt, I was wearing a teal tank-top.
I played my Thoren the Warrior card.
Your eyes twinkled. You layed down your Volcazon the Beastmaster.
Smart move.
But you knew I had the Cheeze. I could see in the way that you looked at me while gathering your cards that you wanted to meet again. But not for battle, this time.
Last week's Voladon Grand Battle: you were wearing the Punisher t-shirt, I was wearing a teal tank-top.
I played my Thoren the Warrior card.
Your eyes twinkled. You layed down your Volcazon the Beastmaster.
Smart move.
But you knew I had the Cheeze. I could see in the way that you looked at me while gathering your cards that you wanted to meet again. But not for battle, this time.
Monday, February 13, 2006
The Perfect Casual Encounter
It’s been more than a month since your last boyfriend called you. Depressed and lonely, you say to yourself, “Why do I bother?” Then an idea strikes you late one night, while reading the Newspaper Ads. On a lark, you call in an ad on the LA times, just to see what the response would be. You check your email and, to your surprise, realize your mailbox has over 100 responses. After rejecting most of crazies, you find one that actually seems pretty decent. A sexy blend of Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas, he captures your attention. So you email him back, chatting flirtatiously, until you both agree on a time to meet for a drink later this week at a nice bar/restaurant nearby.
The day arrives, and you look fabulous. He is even better looking in person. You hit it off immediately, moving effortlessly through small talk, where you grew up, favorite music and sports, and onto philosophical discussions. He makes you laugh and you flirt shamelessly. You’re tempted to sleep with him, but you’re not sure yet. You want to see how good a kisser he is. Then, you look at your watch and realize that it’s after midnight. He walks you to your car and you stand together talking in the parking lot for another 30 minutes, not wanting the date to end. He leans in and gives you a tender, sweet kiss with no tongue, making you melt. Then he kisses you again and builds up to French kissing. Okay, he’s definitely a good kisser. You embrace tightly, but are still not sure if you should sleep with him. He senses your hesitation, and doesn’t push you for sex.
The next day he calls you and tells you what a wonderful time he had. You go out with him a few more times with him, and spend hot makeout sessions at his place, learning about each other’s bodies. Then, your new love invites you to go away for the weekend at a romantic inn in Napa. Finally, you give in to your overwhelming desire to sleep with him. The sex is mind-blowing and magical, but also tender and sweet. After hours of foreplay and cunnilingus, he enters you powerfully. You lose count of your orgasms and wonder how you could have possibly waited so long. In the soft firelight of your cozy room, he tells you he loves you, and asks you to move in with him. You weep with joy and agree. Six months after you move in together, he proposes. You are ecstatic.
You plan an extravagant wedding with picture-perfect details. You find the perfect wedding dress on sale, and as a result, your whole wedding comes in under budget. You use the extra money to bump up to first-class airfare on your honeymoon in Tahiti. In the bungalow on your wedding night, you hold each other closely. You can’t believe that happiness like this is even possible. “I must be dreaming,” you say to yourself.
And then you wake up, alone in your bed. Your first words of the day echo those you spoke late last night: “Why do I bother?” But you get up, and get online again, hoping for a chance that you might one day have the Perfect Casual Encounter.
You never know.
The day arrives, and you look fabulous. He is even better looking in person. You hit it off immediately, moving effortlessly through small talk, where you grew up, favorite music and sports, and onto philosophical discussions. He makes you laugh and you flirt shamelessly. You’re tempted to sleep with him, but you’re not sure yet. You want to see how good a kisser he is. Then, you look at your watch and realize that it’s after midnight. He walks you to your car and you stand together talking in the parking lot for another 30 minutes, not wanting the date to end. He leans in and gives you a tender, sweet kiss with no tongue, making you melt. Then he kisses you again and builds up to French kissing. Okay, he’s definitely a good kisser. You embrace tightly, but are still not sure if you should sleep with him. He senses your hesitation, and doesn’t push you for sex.
The next day he calls you and tells you what a wonderful time he had. You go out with him a few more times with him, and spend hot makeout sessions at his place, learning about each other’s bodies. Then, your new love invites you to go away for the weekend at a romantic inn in Napa. Finally, you give in to your overwhelming desire to sleep with him. The sex is mind-blowing and magical, but also tender and sweet. After hours of foreplay and cunnilingus, he enters you powerfully. You lose count of your orgasms and wonder how you could have possibly waited so long. In the soft firelight of your cozy room, he tells you he loves you, and asks you to move in with him. You weep with joy and agree. Six months after you move in together, he proposes. You are ecstatic.
You plan an extravagant wedding with picture-perfect details. You find the perfect wedding dress on sale, and as a result, your whole wedding comes in under budget. You use the extra money to bump up to first-class airfare on your honeymoon in Tahiti. In the bungalow on your wedding night, you hold each other closely. You can’t believe that happiness like this is even possible. “I must be dreaming,” you say to yourself.
And then you wake up, alone in your bed. Your first words of the day echo those you spoke late last night: “Why do I bother?” But you get up, and get online again, hoping for a chance that you might one day have the Perfect Casual Encounter.
You never know.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
I need work! Skill: Professional Slacker
Being a dot com casualty, I find that I have become indolent, jaded, and, most of all, disillusioned by this 'Blessed' American way of life.
And yet, being that this exodus of economic vitality has left behind a sea of boarded up commercial spaces, overpriced rents, and embittered people in its wake, I find that survival is still a necessity that has persevered.
And so, having been faced with innumerable rejections from job listings that are really not that appealing to begin with, I have outlined a list of criteria that delineate the ideal job for me.
*Salary of at least 150K plus stock options
*2 hour minimum lunch period with bar tab covered by expense account
*Unlimited access to internet during work time
*Being allowed to say, "F**k you" to supervisor and middle managers as necessary without repercussion.
*Taking dumps on company time permissable.
*Embezzlement of company coffers is tolerated to a degree
*Flirting with hot guys during work hours.
*No requirement to stay after 2:00 in the afternoon
*No real work production is required
Well it seems as though I have just described the typical government job. However, a job like this in industry would not be unheard of...particularly at the executive level.
*
And yet, being that this exodus of economic vitality has left behind a sea of boarded up commercial spaces, overpriced rents, and embittered people in its wake, I find that survival is still a necessity that has persevered.
And so, having been faced with innumerable rejections from job listings that are really not that appealing to begin with, I have outlined a list of criteria that delineate the ideal job for me.
*Salary of at least 150K plus stock options
*2 hour minimum lunch period with bar tab covered by expense account
*Unlimited access to internet during work time
*Being allowed to say, "F**k you" to supervisor and middle managers as necessary without repercussion.
*Taking dumps on company time permissable.
*Embezzlement of company coffers is tolerated to a degree
*Flirting with hot guys during work hours.
*No requirement to stay after 2:00 in the afternoon
*No real work production is required
Well it seems as though I have just described the typical government job. However, a job like this in industry would not be unheard of...particularly at the executive level.
*
Friday, February 10, 2006
Bitchy, Fickle Chicks ..Read This
If you're into:
-wasting my time,
-sending double-messages,
-whining about never getting what you want from me,
-complaining about my drinking and drug use,
-expecting me to be your mommy and fix your life,
-thinking you're the only thing worthwhile in my life,
-using me to carry your heavy bags of groceries that you feel resentful sharing with me,
-telling me you love me then disappearing without an explanation,
-talking shit about me to my/your/anyone's friends,
-ignoring me in public,
-not introducing me to your family,
-guilting me for spending time with my buddies,
-making me listen to your droll monologues about the unbearably boring things in your head
-thinking I can read your mind when you say nothing is wrong-and you're crying and won't look at me,
-forgetting my birthday,
-blaming all of your problems on me
-abusing my dog,
-killing my cat,
-kicking me out of my home when I am disabled and broke,
-being a self-rightous, controlling, spoiled victim/princess,
-leaving me for a man,
-ignoring my safe word,
-thinking yours is the only valid perspective,
-flirting with all my friends and lying about it,
-getting lazy in bed after the first two misleading months of our hot relationship
-stealing the gifts you've given to me after you get mad,
-dressing up to go out with your friends and wearing sweatpants and hairy legs when we have a date,
-constantly chattering just to hear your own irritating voice
-calling me someone else's name........................
You are the one for me...coffee?
-wasting my time,
-sending double-messages,
-whining about never getting what you want from me,
-complaining about my drinking and drug use,
-expecting me to be your mommy and fix your life,
-thinking you're the only thing worthwhile in my life,
-using me to carry your heavy bags of groceries that you feel resentful sharing with me,
-telling me you love me then disappearing without an explanation,
-talking shit about me to my/your/anyone's friends,
-ignoring me in public,
-not introducing me to your family,
-guilting me for spending time with my buddies,
-making me listen to your droll monologues about the unbearably boring things in your head
-thinking I can read your mind when you say nothing is wrong-and you're crying and won't look at me,
-forgetting my birthday,
-blaming all of your problems on me
-abusing my dog,
-killing my cat,
-kicking me out of my home when I am disabled and broke,
-being a self-rightous, controlling, spoiled victim/princess,
-leaving me for a man,
-ignoring my safe word,
-thinking yours is the only valid perspective,
-flirting with all my friends and lying about it,
-getting lazy in bed after the first two misleading months of our hot relationship
-stealing the gifts you've given to me after you get mad,
-dressing up to go out with your friends and wearing sweatpants and hairy legs when we have a date,
-constantly chattering just to hear your own irritating voice
-calling me someone else's name........................
You are the one for me...coffee?
Thursday, February 09, 2006
THE BOOTY CALL AGREEMENT
This Booty Call Agreement (hereinafter referred to as the Agreement)
is entered into on the _____ day of __________, 2006, by
_______________, between _____________ and ___________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
1. No sleeping over--unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in
the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events
of the evening.
3. No calls before 9 PM--we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit--only mind-blowing sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions--Ex.: Where are we heading with this? Do you love me? The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance--that is why you are called the "back-up,"
unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time, advanced-arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted--money is always good.
8. No baby talk--however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers--it's really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges"--we are not
friends, just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK--don't be offended.
12. No extra clothing--I don't want your ass leaving anything behind
when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex--it's over, so get your ass up andv go home.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it--I don't care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My
roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."
17. Doggie style preferred--just hit it hard and right or get the hell
out.
18. Reason for doggie style: the less eye contact the better. I don't want to look at you, just fuck you.
19. We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME--so don't keep
calling.
*** EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS***
The aforementioned rules may be altered by the holder of the
agreement.
If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of This
agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone
memory and email list, BLOCKED from all communications until your silly
ass understands the rules.
Participating partners:
Signature: ______________________
Date: __________________________
is entered into on the _____ day of __________, 2006, by
_______________, between _____________ and ___________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
1. No sleeping over--unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in
the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events
of the evening.
3. No calls before 9 PM--we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit--only mind-blowing sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions--Ex.: Where are we heading with this? Do you love me? The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance--that is why you are called the "back-up,"
unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time, advanced-arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted--money is always good.
8. No baby talk--however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers--it's really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges"--we are not
friends, just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK--don't be offended.
12. No extra clothing--I don't want your ass leaving anything behind
when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex--it's over, so get your ass up andv go home.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it--I don't care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My
roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."
17. Doggie style preferred--just hit it hard and right or get the hell
out.
18. Reason for doggie style: the less eye contact the better. I don't want to look at you, just fuck you.
19. We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME--so don't keep
calling.
*** EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS***
The aforementioned rules may be altered by the holder of the
agreement.
If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of This
agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone
memory and email list, BLOCKED from all communications until your silly
ass understands the rules.
Participating partners:
Signature: ______________________
Date: __________________________
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
$599 down payment - Mud Hut Studio
For those of you who went to the first open house -- sorry about the lights going out. The electrical wiring and wet mud occasionally cause shorts. For those of you who missed the ad in the New York Times:
Modern mud hut with straw roof and bamboo partitions. Renter agrees to fix the roof after it rains (it leaks and caves in after awhile). No dogs or cats, but groundhogs are ok. Parking is available at a nearby lean-to shelter.
Bonus -- I just upgraded the kitchen sink from standard mud to ceramic so it won't wash away when you do the dishes.
Modern mud hut with straw roof and bamboo partitions. Renter agrees to fix the roof after it rains (it leaks and caves in after awhile). No dogs or cats, but groundhogs are ok. Parking is available at a nearby lean-to shelter.
Bonus -- I just upgraded the kitchen sink from standard mud to ceramic so it won't wash away when you do the dishes.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Female Operative Needed for Long Term Surveillance Operation
Thanks for coming in this morning agent. Please have a seat.
As you know the directorate of operations occasionally conducts interviews to place agents in operations on the high risk board.
Just so you know, no one knows we are having this meeting but you and I so no record of your interest, should you accept or reject the operation, will exist. Nothing will show up in your Bureau file or anywhere else in writing. If you reject the operation it will not be held against you in any way.
The operation I am going to discuss with you is highly dangerous and classified "secure compartmentalized" so no word of it leaves this room regardless of how you decide.
Your taking this assignment is, of course, entirely voluntary. This particular operation would require you to leave the Bureau virtually permanently if the initial phase is a success so we are taking volunteers only. You can, of course, decide to leave the operation at any time.
So, that out of the way, and as I see you are still sitting here, let me lay out the details.
Description:
The subject of this operation is a Caucasian male with a very light olive complexion, approximately 28 years of age, 6'3" 175 pounds, slim to athletic build, clean shaven, brown hair with some auburn highlights and dark brown eyes. The subject is of Austrian-Swiss and Northern Italian decent but arrived in America at a young age. Schooled in the Midwestern United States until 17 and then at University in the Eastern United States he can for all intents and purposes pass easily and without conflict as an American citizen. He has virtually no accent, but traces of an Oxford English accent emerge if the subject is agitated. The subject has no immediately discernable scars or other physical maladies.
Physical Ability and Classification:
The suspect should be regarded with extreme caution. Although he appears of slim build, the subject possesses significant athletic ability. He is known to have studied the Japanese art of Aikido for at least 6 years and served in the Swiss Alpine Corps in an airborne unit at a young age. The subject is a certified coast guard captain and sails avidly. The subject is an exceptional skier and competed semi-professionally in alpine downhill at a young age. The subject studied Olympic fencing for 9 years and is therefore adept in the use of the fencing foil and has a catlike disposition when agitated or alarmed. The subject also possesses a 5 handicap in equestrian polo and can be assumed to be a riding expert.
Other Skills:
As recently as 1999 the subject held a current pilot's license and was FAA certified for multi engine IFR operation. Said license appears to have expired in recent months, however. The subject appears to have completed anti-terrorist/anti-surveillance driving classes in Europe and possesses exceptional driving and mechanical skills.
Intelligence and Education:
The subject is highly intelligent (170+ IQ) and well educated, holding an undergraduate degree in International Relations and graduate degrees in International Affairs and a degree in Law, all from top 10 or top 20 American Universities. The subject has also attended Oxford and Cambridge in England at length, which may account for the occasional appearance of an English accent. Apparently while at Oxford the subject, who had intended to study theoretical physics in England, elected to abandon that course of study owing to the lack of social skills exhibited by his academic colleagues in the sciences. Subject was heard by one of our agents to remark: "Bloody science geeks are driving me mad."
The subject is unusually cultured and enjoys a wide ranging knowledge in conventional, traditional, contemporary and obscure cultural subjects ranging from art (old masters to contemporary to post modern to western to east asian) to media and other cultural studies.
Travel and World Experience:
The subject has been sighted at one time or another in virtually every country in Western Europe as well as the Baltic Republics, the Ukraine, Belarus, Yugoslavia (before the war), Croatia (after the war), various locations in the Middle East including Morraco and South Africa, the Caribbean, South and Central America including Costa Rica, Venezuela, Chile, Argentina, Panama, Peru, Mexico, Japan and Russia. The subject was deported from Canada while on vacation in 1994 and agents accepting the operation are requested to obtain more information about this incident. The subject is known to speak at least 6 languages, at least 3 with high fluency including German, English and Spanish.
Intelligence/Counterintelligence/Espionage ability:
The subject is known to have served in the Swiss Diplomatic Corps for at least 3 years as a foreign embassy attache and probably in an intelligence/espionage capacity in the economic espionage directorate.
The subject is clearly schooled in surveillance and countersurvellence and has evaded our cover agents on numerous occasions with remarkable skill and daring. The subject is known to have exceptional interrogation and interpersonal skills. The subject's charisma and charm are disarming and a real potential threat to the careless female agent.
Social Interaction:
As a former diplomat the subject possesses exceptionally adroit social skills and easily blends into any environment from high society to Eastern European to South American to collegiate bar to artistic coffee house. On several occasions our agents have witnessed the subject hosting upscale cocktail parties in the San Francisco and Chicago areas.
Relationships/Sexual Persuasion:
Some confusion originally existed with respect to the subject's sexual persuasion. Two novice agents noted the subject wearing an ascot and, being ignorant in the nuances of European style, incorrectly assumed the subject to be homosexual. Corroborating this mistake was the subject's documented and unusual cooking expertise (souffles in particular), habit of overdressing, propensity to turn down dates with women of all ages and persuasions as well as his ability to get out stains of all origins and colors. It has since become clear that the subject is decidedly heterosexual, primarily monogamous but quite picky in selecting partners. The subject seems to tend towards longer term relationships based on deep trust and fidelity. Adept agents will attempt to capitalize on this feature.
Debriefing of a former liaison of the subject's revealed that the subject is extremely attentive to the intimate needs of his lovers in general and prone to spoiling significant others mercilessly while asking little for himself aside from their attention. The subject's monthly florist bill while dating rarely fails to exceed $150. The subject fails to exhibit jealousy, even when provoked in public situations and is reputed to be self-secure and non-controlling in relationships with the opposite sex.
The subject appears to have had substantial bad luck in past relationships- which have involved unstable or otherwise psychologically impaired significant others- in at least two cases substantial personal tragedies unrelated to the subject caused the significant other to break off long term relations with the subject.
Psychological analysis shows the subject to be impressed and fascinated with what he perceives as the elegance of design and function of the female form. Subject has been heard to comment with great eloquence on the beauty of women who attract his eye and has been known to employ novel, creative and persistent efforts to woo potential mates. Subject clearly has a high level of respect for, and in depth knowledge of the female body and its many nuances.
The subject is a licensed masseuse in Switzerland.
Agents are cautioned that the subject is extremely engaging and disarming and to avoid at all costs being seduced by the subject's substantial charms as there is a distinct threat of the agent "going rogue" and abandoning all thought of betrayal of the subject for the mission or life without the subject- intelligence collection may suffer as a result. The subject's seduction technique is varied, subtle and long term- resulting in a "creeping attachment" which builds over time.
Note: Sexual contact between the subject and the agent seeking to remain objective with respect to the subject is strongly discouraged.
General Demeanor:
The subject has a disarming look and demeanor, is usually quiet and reserved, appearing professional and intelligent but conservative. The subject is cautious when meeting new people and will not be prone to boasting or even self-exposition unless and until comfortable with the surroundings and the company. The subject is often seen at higher end establishments in San Francisco and is prone to drink Gray Goose Martinis when Chopin vodka is unavailable. The subject occasionally is seen at more conventional and colleagete venues. The subject appears to be a social drinker and is rarely seen to over indulge in liquor. The subject is a non-smoker. Stolen health records indicate that the subject is healthy and disease free. Subject tests negative for marijuana depravities.
Political Leanings:
The subject is decidedly fiscally conservative and socially extremely liberal. Subject is a free speech hawk, vehemently pro-choice, at least cynical if not hostile to modern manifestations of organized religion. The subject bristles at the suggestion he might be a republican but enjoys a reputation among friends and colleagues for being a capitalist thinker.
Current Disposition:
The subject currently maintains a cover as an executive and shareholder of a small private banking firm based in Europe with a new branch office in San Francisco. This gives the subject the opportunity and means to conduct operations in and around the West Coast, as well as the Midwest (Chicago) and the East (New York). The subject appears to take 90 days of vacation per year, often in the Caribbean or Europe.
We suspect, but cannot confirm, the suspect to be a current foreign intelligence asset.
Operative's Objective:
This is a "sleeper" deep cover operation. Your task will be to get close to the subject, and by (ahem) whatever means necessary establish a relationship with the subject and gain his trust and confidence. Ideally, you should cultivate a close relationship with the subject over as long a period as possible, perhaps even years, during which time you will maintain cover as the subject's associate (or other unspecified relation) until further tasked by the bureau. Once you have introduced yourself into his affairs you should endeavor to learn anything you can about his activities, interests, desires, travels, business affairs, philosophies, intellectual pursuits, hobbies, likes, dislikes and so forth.
Operational Methodology:
The successful agent will be between the ages of 22 and 32 with a preference to the 24-26 age group. Younger agents must have substantial operational experience to be considered for selection. Agents should be between 5'4 and 5'11 with a preference for the 5'6 - 5'10 range. Agents should be highly intelligent and intellectually as well as psychologically sound. Agents should possess exceptional educational experience. The successful agent should mirror the subject's political and intellectual beliefs and pursuits as closely as possible. The agent must be of slim to athletic build. The subject's rumored eye for members of the opposite sex with red hair has been noted and should recommend redheaded agents as leading (but not exclusive) candidates for the operation. All agent candidates must possess a current passport. The successful agent will have completed the following agency courses and be proficient in the skills taught therein:
Espionage 104 - Snobby Cocktail Parties as a Source of Espionage Contacts
Espionage 105 - Gathering Intelligence in Dives
Espionage 106 - Etiquette for Agents
International Espionage 202 - International Travel Clinic
Intelligence 302 - Political Analysis
Intelligence 404 - International Affairs and Current Events
Espionage 202 - Encryption
Espionage 405 - Honey Traps and Male Subjects
Espionage 504 - Advanced Seduction Techniques (Female Agents - Restricted Enrollment)
Espionage 509 - Therapeutic Massage, Hypnosis Pillowtalk and Afterglow in Interrogation Techniques
Tactics:
The agent is counseled to engage the subject in conversation over drinks in or in the vicinity of San Francisco, request further meetings of increased frequency, intensity and (ahem) intimacy until the subject's trust is gained. The agent should seek to be by the subject's side whenever possible (within the bounds of her own professional developmental requirements) and maintain a constant- if witty and intellectually challenging- tete-a-tete with the subject. Over the several weeks that follow the agent should engage the subject in a myriad of activities involving travel, dancing, dinner, cocktails, socialization and otherwise attract the attention of the subject.
Because of prior history specific to the subject agents are strongly recommended to make efforts at appearing financially independent. Indications of financial dependence on the subject are likely to exhibit a negative response from the subject and may terminate the relationship prematurely.
I understand that this is a big decision for a young agent. You need not decide now. If you wish to take the operation submit your completed application via the anonymous remailing system (photo is mandatory) with a description of the agent's qualifications and skills as well as the tactics and methodology the agent expects to use to complete the first phase of the operation. All applications will receive replies.
If your application is accepted you will be given cover documentation, survellance photos and other personal details of the subject and may attend other briefings relevant to the operation. A handler will be assigned and contact codes and communications security procedures will be outlined.
Thanks for coming in, Agent. Let us know what you decide... and good luck!
Other ways to contact me: Dead Drop #304
As you know the directorate of operations occasionally conducts interviews to place agents in operations on the high risk board.
Just so you know, no one knows we are having this meeting but you and I so no record of your interest, should you accept or reject the operation, will exist. Nothing will show up in your Bureau file or anywhere else in writing. If you reject the operation it will not be held against you in any way.
The operation I am going to discuss with you is highly dangerous and classified "secure compartmentalized" so no word of it leaves this room regardless of how you decide.
Your taking this assignment is, of course, entirely voluntary. This particular operation would require you to leave the Bureau virtually permanently if the initial phase is a success so we are taking volunteers only. You can, of course, decide to leave the operation at any time.
So, that out of the way, and as I see you are still sitting here, let me lay out the details.
Description:
The subject of this operation is a Caucasian male with a very light olive complexion, approximately 28 years of age, 6'3" 175 pounds, slim to athletic build, clean shaven, brown hair with some auburn highlights and dark brown eyes. The subject is of Austrian-Swiss and Northern Italian decent but arrived in America at a young age. Schooled in the Midwestern United States until 17 and then at University in the Eastern United States he can for all intents and purposes pass easily and without conflict as an American citizen. He has virtually no accent, but traces of an Oxford English accent emerge if the subject is agitated. The subject has no immediately discernable scars or other physical maladies.
Physical Ability and Classification:
The suspect should be regarded with extreme caution. Although he appears of slim build, the subject possesses significant athletic ability. He is known to have studied the Japanese art of Aikido for at least 6 years and served in the Swiss Alpine Corps in an airborne unit at a young age. The subject is a certified coast guard captain and sails avidly. The subject is an exceptional skier and competed semi-professionally in alpine downhill at a young age. The subject studied Olympic fencing for 9 years and is therefore adept in the use of the fencing foil and has a catlike disposition when agitated or alarmed. The subject also possesses a 5 handicap in equestrian polo and can be assumed to be a riding expert.
Other Skills:
As recently as 1999 the subject held a current pilot's license and was FAA certified for multi engine IFR operation. Said license appears to have expired in recent months, however. The subject appears to have completed anti-terrorist/anti-surveillance driving classes in Europe and possesses exceptional driving and mechanical skills.
Intelligence and Education:
The subject is highly intelligent (170+ IQ) and well educated, holding an undergraduate degree in International Relations and graduate degrees in International Affairs and a degree in Law, all from top 10 or top 20 American Universities. The subject has also attended Oxford and Cambridge in England at length, which may account for the occasional appearance of an English accent. Apparently while at Oxford the subject, who had intended to study theoretical physics in England, elected to abandon that course of study owing to the lack of social skills exhibited by his academic colleagues in the sciences. Subject was heard by one of our agents to remark: "Bloody science geeks are driving me mad."
The subject is unusually cultured and enjoys a wide ranging knowledge in conventional, traditional, contemporary and obscure cultural subjects ranging from art (old masters to contemporary to post modern to western to east asian) to media and other cultural studies.
Travel and World Experience:
The subject has been sighted at one time or another in virtually every country in Western Europe as well as the Baltic Republics, the Ukraine, Belarus, Yugoslavia (before the war), Croatia (after the war), various locations in the Middle East including Morraco and South Africa, the Caribbean, South and Central America including Costa Rica, Venezuela, Chile, Argentina, Panama, Peru, Mexico, Japan and Russia. The subject was deported from Canada while on vacation in 1994 and agents accepting the operation are requested to obtain more information about this incident. The subject is known to speak at least 6 languages, at least 3 with high fluency including German, English and Spanish.
Intelligence/Counterintelligence/Espionage ability:
The subject is known to have served in the Swiss Diplomatic Corps for at least 3 years as a foreign embassy attache and probably in an intelligence/espionage capacity in the economic espionage directorate.
The subject is clearly schooled in surveillance and countersurvellence and has evaded our cover agents on numerous occasions with remarkable skill and daring. The subject is known to have exceptional interrogation and interpersonal skills. The subject's charisma and charm are disarming and a real potential threat to the careless female agent.
Social Interaction:
As a former diplomat the subject possesses exceptionally adroit social skills and easily blends into any environment from high society to Eastern European to South American to collegiate bar to artistic coffee house. On several occasions our agents have witnessed the subject hosting upscale cocktail parties in the San Francisco and Chicago areas.
Relationships/Sexual Persuasion:
Some confusion originally existed with respect to the subject's sexual persuasion. Two novice agents noted the subject wearing an ascot and, being ignorant in the nuances of European style, incorrectly assumed the subject to be homosexual. Corroborating this mistake was the subject's documented and unusual cooking expertise (souffles in particular), habit of overdressing, propensity to turn down dates with women of all ages and persuasions as well as his ability to get out stains of all origins and colors. It has since become clear that the subject is decidedly heterosexual, primarily monogamous but quite picky in selecting partners. The subject seems to tend towards longer term relationships based on deep trust and fidelity. Adept agents will attempt to capitalize on this feature.
Debriefing of a former liaison of the subject's revealed that the subject is extremely attentive to the intimate needs of his lovers in general and prone to spoiling significant others mercilessly while asking little for himself aside from their attention. The subject's monthly florist bill while dating rarely fails to exceed $150. The subject fails to exhibit jealousy, even when provoked in public situations and is reputed to be self-secure and non-controlling in relationships with the opposite sex.
The subject appears to have had substantial bad luck in past relationships- which have involved unstable or otherwise psychologically impaired significant others- in at least two cases substantial personal tragedies unrelated to the subject caused the significant other to break off long term relations with the subject.
Psychological analysis shows the subject to be impressed and fascinated with what he perceives as the elegance of design and function of the female form. Subject has been heard to comment with great eloquence on the beauty of women who attract his eye and has been known to employ novel, creative and persistent efforts to woo potential mates. Subject clearly has a high level of respect for, and in depth knowledge of the female body and its many nuances.
The subject is a licensed masseuse in Switzerland.
Agents are cautioned that the subject is extremely engaging and disarming and to avoid at all costs being seduced by the subject's substantial charms as there is a distinct threat of the agent "going rogue" and abandoning all thought of betrayal of the subject for the mission or life without the subject- intelligence collection may suffer as a result. The subject's seduction technique is varied, subtle and long term- resulting in a "creeping attachment" which builds over time.
Note: Sexual contact between the subject and the agent seeking to remain objective with respect to the subject is strongly discouraged.
General Demeanor:
The subject has a disarming look and demeanor, is usually quiet and reserved, appearing professional and intelligent but conservative. The subject is cautious when meeting new people and will not be prone to boasting or even self-exposition unless and until comfortable with the surroundings and the company. The subject is often seen at higher end establishments in San Francisco and is prone to drink Gray Goose Martinis when Chopin vodka is unavailable. The subject occasionally is seen at more conventional and colleagete venues. The subject appears to be a social drinker and is rarely seen to over indulge in liquor. The subject is a non-smoker. Stolen health records indicate that the subject is healthy and disease free. Subject tests negative for marijuana depravities.
Political Leanings:
The subject is decidedly fiscally conservative and socially extremely liberal. Subject is a free speech hawk, vehemently pro-choice, at least cynical if not hostile to modern manifestations of organized religion. The subject bristles at the suggestion he might be a republican but enjoys a reputation among friends and colleagues for being a capitalist thinker.
Current Disposition:
The subject currently maintains a cover as an executive and shareholder of a small private banking firm based in Europe with a new branch office in San Francisco. This gives the subject the opportunity and means to conduct operations in and around the West Coast, as well as the Midwest (Chicago) and the East (New York). The subject appears to take 90 days of vacation per year, often in the Caribbean or Europe.
We suspect, but cannot confirm, the suspect to be a current foreign intelligence asset.
Operative's Objective:
This is a "sleeper" deep cover operation. Your task will be to get close to the subject, and by (ahem) whatever means necessary establish a relationship with the subject and gain his trust and confidence. Ideally, you should cultivate a close relationship with the subject over as long a period as possible, perhaps even years, during which time you will maintain cover as the subject's associate (or other unspecified relation) until further tasked by the bureau. Once you have introduced yourself into his affairs you should endeavor to learn anything you can about his activities, interests, desires, travels, business affairs, philosophies, intellectual pursuits, hobbies, likes, dislikes and so forth.
Operational Methodology:
The successful agent will be between the ages of 22 and 32 with a preference to the 24-26 age group. Younger agents must have substantial operational experience to be considered for selection. Agents should be between 5'4 and 5'11 with a preference for the 5'6 - 5'10 range. Agents should be highly intelligent and intellectually as well as psychologically sound. Agents should possess exceptional educational experience. The successful agent should mirror the subject's political and intellectual beliefs and pursuits as closely as possible. The agent must be of slim to athletic build. The subject's rumored eye for members of the opposite sex with red hair has been noted and should recommend redheaded agents as leading (but not exclusive) candidates for the operation. All agent candidates must possess a current passport. The successful agent will have completed the following agency courses and be proficient in the skills taught therein:
Espionage 104 - Snobby Cocktail Parties as a Source of Espionage Contacts
Espionage 105 - Gathering Intelligence in Dives
Espionage 106 - Etiquette for Agents
International Espionage 202 - International Travel Clinic
Intelligence 302 - Political Analysis
Intelligence 404 - International Affairs and Current Events
Espionage 202 - Encryption
Espionage 405 - Honey Traps and Male Subjects
Espionage 504 - Advanced Seduction Techniques (Female Agents - Restricted Enrollment)
Espionage 509 - Therapeutic Massage, Hypnosis Pillowtalk and Afterglow in Interrogation Techniques
Tactics:
The agent is counseled to engage the subject in conversation over drinks in or in the vicinity of San Francisco, request further meetings of increased frequency, intensity and (ahem) intimacy until the subject's trust is gained. The agent should seek to be by the subject's side whenever possible (within the bounds of her own professional developmental requirements) and maintain a constant- if witty and intellectually challenging- tete-a-tete with the subject. Over the several weeks that follow the agent should engage the subject in a myriad of activities involving travel, dancing, dinner, cocktails, socialization and otherwise attract the attention of the subject.
Because of prior history specific to the subject agents are strongly recommended to make efforts at appearing financially independent. Indications of financial dependence on the subject are likely to exhibit a negative response from the subject and may terminate the relationship prematurely.
I understand that this is a big decision for a young agent. You need not decide now. If you wish to take the operation submit your completed application via the anonymous remailing system (photo is mandatory) with a description of the agent's qualifications and skills as well as the tactics and methodology the agent expects to use to complete the first phase of the operation. All applications will receive replies.
If your application is accepted you will be given cover documentation, survellance photos and other personal details of the subject and may attend other briefings relevant to the operation. A handler will be assigned and contact codes and communications security procedures will be outlined.
Thanks for coming in, Agent. Let us know what you decide... and good luck!
Other ways to contact me: Dead Drop #304
Monday, February 06, 2006
Notes on How to Perform Cunnlingus
As of late it has come to my attention that a lot of my fellow men suck at going down on girls. I think part of it comes from apathy; some of it comes from a lack of experience and some of it comes from a lack of understanding.
The apathy I cannot help with. Most likely if you don't care as to whether you're the greatest greatest she's ever had, you also don't care about things like how fast you can lap Willow Springs (1:30's with street tires). And that to me is just sad.
Understanding I can help with. I guess the most important piece of understanding is that male and female parts originate from the same embryonic tissues and the nerves that goto those tissues are reasonably similar. Knowing this gives us a common point of reference.
Here is how things roughly match up.
Female / Male
Clitoris / head of penis
Inner lips / shaft of penis
Outer lips / testacles
G-spot / something we don't reach
So for us to put light pressure on a clitoris is the same as if a girl were giving us light pressure on the head of our penis.
The way those nervous impulses are perceived by our brains is does not translate 100% the same way. For example, imagine sexual stimulus as entering keystrokes on a computer game. The object of the game is to hit the "H" key as many times as possible in a smooth and controlled manner. Well for guys H works, so do G, Y, U, J, N, B and maybe the space bar. So if you're in the neighborhood with what you are doing it's not as good as H but it's pretty good. For women H give a positive response but too much of G, Y, U, J, N, B will drown out the response given by H.
What does this mean? It means that we have to be spot on precise with what we are doing. What is H? H is both a spot and a speed of tonguing (which will vary with arousal). The spot to the best of my knowledge is pretty small. It is approximately 2.5mm below the clitoris and is about 10mm in size. This means when we are going down on her that the total swept area is only about 15-17mm in size and reaches from the clitoris/hood complex down.
The motion of licking should be slow-fast-slow. All of her hardware is complex and for complex systems the preferred rate is always slow-fast-slow. If you do not go slow-fast-slow she perceives it as a "sharp" feeling. As her arousal increases you will have to increase the rate at which your tongue is moving. Once she is close enough to orgasm the sharp feeling she can deal with but only once she's good-N-worked up. So this is H and everything else you do; tonguing the hole, nibbling in lips etc falls under the category of G, Y, U, J, N, B.
A word about rates. As with everything delta rate; the rate @ which your rate of licking changes is best changed slow-fast-slow. Think about your rates as a sinusoidal curve. Slow at first, fast getting her up on arousal and the slow towards the finish; optionally you can finish fast.
The entire time while you are doing this you're also sucking lightly just enough to engorge that critical 15-17mm area with blood, but not too hard as that is part of what leads to over stimulation.
A word about orgasms. When women orgasm it is different than when we orgasm. The uterus plays a large role in a normal healthy orgasm. It's muscular and it contracts. Much like a weight lifter with a weight belt; you can give the uterus something to push against which will increase the strength and intensity of orgasms. To do this you place your hand on her lower abdomen about where the uterus is and push firmly with the force being transmitted in about a 45 degree angle towards her upper body when she is close to orgasm. Note to be careful about doing this as a push in the wrong place or wrong orientation can and will make her want to pee.
A note about types of orgasm. Women have 2 distinct types of orgasm clitoral and vaginal. Clitoral orgasms are analogous to our orgasms. They are peaky, intense and generally it's not something that can happen for long stretches. They also have vaginal orgasms which are more like a wave of orgasm that flows over their body. Vaginal orgasms when stimulated properly can go on for hours. The most efficient way I have found for stimulating a vaginal orgasm is the G-spot it's a textured area inside the front/top of the vagina about a finger in and stroking with light/medium/hard/med/light pressure and well trimmed nails works wonderfully. You can also time your clitoral and vaginal stimulation so that they compliment each other.
The hardware and software that run both orgasms are different enough that you can stimulate both pathways which results in both orgasms happening together. The amount of stimulation for a vaginal orgasm is about 50% greater than a clitoral one so focusing on the licking approximately 50% more will get both orgasms to happen pretty close together. Oh; vanginal orgasms seem to work better when they are pushed to orgasm slowly, clitoral orgasms seem to work better when they are pushed over quickly (but not always)
Reading what her body is telling you is important. Things to watch out for are muscle contraction, noises, wetness, reddening of the lips, and body movement.
Her breathing and her body movement tell you the approximate speed that her body wants to be stimulated; for best effect you want to be close to this rate. As she get more aroused this rate will increase and as it increases the rate @ which your are stimulating her should increase also. Even rhythmic muscle contractions are good; they are what you are looking for. When you get an arrhythmic muscle contraction/and or arrhythmic noise chances are that you just did something that she doesn't like (hitting G, Y, U, J, N, B) so you don't do that again unless she says something differently. Wetness and reddening/warmth of the lips increasing through out tells you that you are indeed doing what you should be doing.
Interestingly one of the things that help with female orgasms is simply how relaxed they are going into sex. It's for this reason that I try to always spend 10-15 min giving a backrub and rubbing legs/feet before going down.
Every woman is different; what I've posted up will work for about 90% of the girls out there. The thing to note is that sometimes the nerves are wired differently which means that her center of pleasure; that critical 15-17mm will be in a different place. Generally she'll have a pretty good idea of where that is and will tell you if you ask.
Lastly I do a debriefing after. Questions like "what worked for you", "did I do anything that didn't help get you off", "when you did X, what was happening", etc. You’d be surprised what you can learn. Opentrackers have this, racers do this, and pilots landing on a carrier get each landing critiqued.
Hopefully this will help some girl explain to her guy what he needs to know. I've noticed that too often women have no freaking idea just what good cunnilingus feels like and are often pleasantly amused @ the different sensations they feel.
The apathy I cannot help with. Most likely if you don't care as to whether you're the greatest greatest she's ever had, you also don't care about things like how fast you can lap Willow Springs (1:30's with street tires). And that to me is just sad.
Understanding I can help with. I guess the most important piece of understanding is that male and female parts originate from the same embryonic tissues and the nerves that goto those tissues are reasonably similar. Knowing this gives us a common point of reference.
Here is how things roughly match up.
Female / Male
Clitoris / head of penis
Inner lips / shaft of penis
Outer lips / testacles
G-spot / something we don't reach
So for us to put light pressure on a clitoris is the same as if a girl were giving us light pressure on the head of our penis.
The way those nervous impulses are perceived by our brains is does not translate 100% the same way. For example, imagine sexual stimulus as entering keystrokes on a computer game. The object of the game is to hit the "H" key as many times as possible in a smooth and controlled manner. Well for guys H works, so do G, Y, U, J, N, B and maybe the space bar. So if you're in the neighborhood with what you are doing it's not as good as H but it's pretty good. For women H give a positive response but too much of G, Y, U, J, N, B will drown out the response given by H.
What does this mean? It means that we have to be spot on precise with what we are doing. What is H? H is both a spot and a speed of tonguing (which will vary with arousal). The spot to the best of my knowledge is pretty small. It is approximately 2.5mm below the clitoris and is about 10mm in size. This means when we are going down on her that the total swept area is only about 15-17mm in size and reaches from the clitoris/hood complex down.
The motion of licking should be slow-fast-slow. All of her hardware is complex and for complex systems the preferred rate is always slow-fast-slow. If you do not go slow-fast-slow she perceives it as a "sharp" feeling. As her arousal increases you will have to increase the rate at which your tongue is moving. Once she is close enough to orgasm the sharp feeling she can deal with but only once she's good-N-worked up. So this is H and everything else you do; tonguing the hole, nibbling in lips etc falls under the category of G, Y, U, J, N, B.
A word about rates. As with everything delta rate; the rate @ which your rate of licking changes is best changed slow-fast-slow. Think about your rates as a sinusoidal curve. Slow at first, fast getting her up on arousal and the slow towards the finish; optionally you can finish fast.
The entire time while you are doing this you're also sucking lightly just enough to engorge that critical 15-17mm area with blood, but not too hard as that is part of what leads to over stimulation.
A word about orgasms. When women orgasm it is different than when we orgasm. The uterus plays a large role in a normal healthy orgasm. It's muscular and it contracts. Much like a weight lifter with a weight belt; you can give the uterus something to push against which will increase the strength and intensity of orgasms. To do this you place your hand on her lower abdomen about where the uterus is and push firmly with the force being transmitted in about a 45 degree angle towards her upper body when she is close to orgasm. Note to be careful about doing this as a push in the wrong place or wrong orientation can and will make her want to pee.
A note about types of orgasm. Women have 2 distinct types of orgasm clitoral and vaginal. Clitoral orgasms are analogous to our orgasms. They are peaky, intense and generally it's not something that can happen for long stretches. They also have vaginal orgasms which are more like a wave of orgasm that flows over their body. Vaginal orgasms when stimulated properly can go on for hours. The most efficient way I have found for stimulating a vaginal orgasm is the G-spot it's a textured area inside the front/top of the vagina about a finger in and stroking with light/medium/hard/med/light pressure and well trimmed nails works wonderfully. You can also time your clitoral and vaginal stimulation so that they compliment each other.
The hardware and software that run both orgasms are different enough that you can stimulate both pathways which results in both orgasms happening together. The amount of stimulation for a vaginal orgasm is about 50% greater than a clitoral one so focusing on the licking approximately 50% more will get both orgasms to happen pretty close together. Oh; vanginal orgasms seem to work better when they are pushed to orgasm slowly, clitoral orgasms seem to work better when they are pushed over quickly (but not always)
Reading what her body is telling you is important. Things to watch out for are muscle contraction, noises, wetness, reddening of the lips, and body movement.
Her breathing and her body movement tell you the approximate speed that her body wants to be stimulated; for best effect you want to be close to this rate. As she get more aroused this rate will increase and as it increases the rate @ which your are stimulating her should increase also. Even rhythmic muscle contractions are good; they are what you are looking for. When you get an arrhythmic muscle contraction/and or arrhythmic noise chances are that you just did something that she doesn't like (hitting G, Y, U, J, N, B) so you don't do that again unless she says something differently. Wetness and reddening/warmth of the lips increasing through out tells you that you are indeed doing what you should be doing.
Interestingly one of the things that help with female orgasms is simply how relaxed they are going into sex. It's for this reason that I try to always spend 10-15 min giving a backrub and rubbing legs/feet before going down.
Every woman is different; what I've posted up will work for about 90% of the girls out there. The thing to note is that sometimes the nerves are wired differently which means that her center of pleasure; that critical 15-17mm will be in a different place. Generally she'll have a pretty good idea of where that is and will tell you if you ask.
Lastly I do a debriefing after. Questions like "what worked for you", "did I do anything that didn't help get you off", "when you did X, what was happening", etc. You’d be surprised what you can learn. Opentrackers have this, racers do this, and pilots landing on a carrier get each landing critiqued.
Hopefully this will help some girl explain to her guy what he needs to know. I've noticed that too often women have no freaking idea just what good cunnilingus feels like and are often pleasantly amused @ the different sensations they feel.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Free Advice
If you are an alien disguised as human and or have the technology to travel physically through time I need your help! Also if you are from, I'm not sure this is the correct pronunciation: The planet (Valnator) please reply. My life has been severely tampered with and cursed by very evil men of my past. I need to be able to: Travel physically back in time. Rewind my life including my age. Be able to remember what I know now so that I can prevent my life from being tampered with again after I go back. I am in great danger and need this immediately! Only if you are an alien or have this technology please send leave a comment, Thanks
Saturday, February 04, 2006
RANT: Pregnancy
Who in the hell's idea was this shit? Let's give a woman a f-in' uterus, some handle-bar like tubes comin' off it, and smack some "ovaries" on the end, so she can MAKE BABIES. Yeah! Good idea!!
NO!
F**K NO!
Alright, to start off...yeah, I'm pregnant. And no, not the "Shit the condom broke, and I don't even know his name, how the hell am I gonna finish middle school now?" kinda pregnant. The pregnant by someone I knew I wanted to have children with, spend the rest of my life with, and consequently got married to, kinda pregnant. (And no, we didn't get hitched because of the rugrat to be, we didn't even know at the time...)
*Ahem* Anyway - although I do know for sure that I want to be a parent, can't we just skip this part? I mean really? Can my hubby and I trade off month for month?
Why? Here's why:
1. I HATE my favorite food. Yet I eat things a goat would puke at the thought of.
2. Anyone need a pool toy? Well, you can use my pasty, white bloated ass. Breathing makes me bloat. THINKING about breathing makes me bloat.
3. I am the definition of bitch. Look in the dictionary. (I'll wait while you dig it out and dust it off.) Good? Ok, now flip to the B's. Yeah, there, the picture next to bitch? Thats yours truly!
4. Suddenly I have narcolepsy. I fall asleep while sleeping! My bedtime is now 5:30pm. Most of the time I'm not even home from work yet. (Sorry to the guy I almost swerved into on the highway yesterday!)
5. Mysterious aches and twitches. If it weren't for the date on my driver's license, I would honestly believe I'm 60. WTF? I can't even bend over anymore!
6. Nausea. Know what if feels like to be just one shot off praying to the porcelain goddess all night on a night out with the girls? Imagine that ALL day, sans the night o' fun.
7. Stretch marks. Geeeeezus. I'm not even SHOWING and I'm getting stretch marks. I'm gonna look like an albino tiger by the time this is all over.
8. Zits. Holy Clean & Clear, Batman! My fingernails get zits. My zits get zits. Go ahead, change your face wash, I dare ya.
9. Migraines. At least for me. Jiminy cricket, I know there is increased blood, but does it ALL have to do to my head, atthesametime?
10. Gas. As in walking farts. And not just walking farts, sleeping farts, cuddling with the husband farts, working farts, driving farts, and farting farts.
Adopt. Save yourself. There are millions of children out there that need you. Take it from a Prego.
Who in the hell's idea was this shit? Let's give a woman a f-in' uterus, some handle-bar like tubes comin' off it, and smack some "ovaries" on the end, so she can MAKE BABIES. Yeah! Good idea!!
NO!
F**K NO!
Alright, to start off...yeah, I'm pregnant. And no, not the "Shit the condom broke, and I don't even know his name, how the hell am I gonna finish middle school now?" kinda pregnant. The pregnant by someone I knew I wanted to have children with, spend the rest of my life with, and consequently got married to, kinda pregnant. (And no, we didn't get hitched because of the rugrat to be, we didn't even know at the time...)
*Ahem* Anyway - although I do know for sure that I want to be a parent, can't we just skip this part? I mean really? Can my hubby and I trade off month for month?
Why? Here's why:
1. I HATE my favorite food. Yet I eat things a goat would puke at the thought of.
2. Anyone need a pool toy? Well, you can use my pasty, white bloated ass. Breathing makes me bloat. THINKING about breathing makes me bloat.
3. I am the definition of bitch. Look in the dictionary. (I'll wait while you dig it out and dust it off.) Good? Ok, now flip to the B's. Yeah, there, the picture next to bitch? Thats yours truly!
4. Suddenly I have narcolepsy. I fall asleep while sleeping! My bedtime is now 5:30pm. Most of the time I'm not even home from work yet. (Sorry to the guy I almost swerved into on the highway yesterday!)
5. Mysterious aches and twitches. If it weren't for the date on my driver's license, I would honestly believe I'm 60. WTF? I can't even bend over anymore!
6. Nausea. Know what if feels like to be just one shot off praying to the porcelain goddess all night on a night out with the girls? Imagine that ALL day, sans the night o' fun.
7. Stretch marks. Geeeeezus. I'm not even SHOWING and I'm getting stretch marks. I'm gonna look like an albino tiger by the time this is all over.
8. Zits. Holy Clean & Clear, Batman! My fingernails get zits. My zits get zits. Go ahead, change your face wash, I dare ya.
9. Migraines. At least for me. Jiminy cricket, I know there is increased blood, but does it ALL have to do to my head, atthesametime?
10. Gas. As in walking farts. And not just walking farts, sleeping farts, cuddling with the husband farts, working farts, driving farts, and farting farts.
Adopt. Save yourself. There are millions of children out there that need you. Take it from a Prego.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Dear Sir,
I have a fat ass. I'm fully aware of my rotundness and the amount of space that I take when sitting on the train. While I've recently lost some weight and continue to lose weight, I still am larger than your average train rider. One might even say that I am large and in charge. Why is that you ask? Because I am big, I know I'm big, and I'm doing my damndest not to burden others with my size, especially on the train. It is for this reason that I strategically choose my seat on the train on my commute to and from work in the loop every day. You see, I am one of the lucky one's who lives near a far stop and works near a stop where hardly anyone gets on. I almost always get a seat on the train. This is the strategy that I follow, in order of preference:
- If there is a single seater row, take it.
- If there are no single seats available, always take a seat on the inside of a completely empty two seater, leaving the aisle free
- If the only completely empty two-seater left is the sideways seat nearest the door, take the seat farthest from the door and metal partition so that in the event that someone sits next to me, I have some room to scoot over.
- If there are no two seaters available, stand.
By following this strategy of chosing seats on the train, I leave the decision to sit with the fat girl up to someone else's discretion. I've found that a majority of the people who choose to sit with me are petite and as such are unbothered by my fat ass sitting next to them. My absolute refusal to foist myself upon anyone already seated is also highly efficient in decreasing the incidents of annoying anyone with my fat ass. Taking great pride in my plan, I thought that I had train riding down to an exact science. That is, until you came along. Little did I realize that my near perfect train sitting strategy had one tiny flaw which you so deftfully reavealed.
Sir, you too have a fat ass. Perhaps it hadn't occurred to you, or maybe you still picture yourself as the much smaller, younger man with more hair from your college days. Another possibility is that you have severe depth perception issues that have caused you to seek the care of an opthomologist. Regardless of the cause of your denial of the self-evident, the simple truth remains that you are a large man. Realize and embrace your stature! It's OK. As stated above, I'm fat too. I fully understand the fat person's plight in the world.
Congratulations, you have successfully joined the ranks of many fat people all over Chicago. That being said, I take it as my duty to inform you that due to the nature of reality, two bodies may not simultaneously occupy the same space. Similarly, two fatasses cannot sit in the same two seater on the train, especially in the sideways two seater with the metal partition nearest to the door. I can understand that you enjoy a challenge and would love to prove the nature of reality wrong. However, I would've deeply appreciated it if you had found another fat ass to take part in your experiment, preferably one who had given prior written consent.
Perhaps the scent of my tuna sandwich from lunch hadn't completely vanished from my breath with the sugar-free gum I had chewed in the afternoon, and you mistook me for a sardine. Also still full from your lunch of various batter dipped and fried seafood, you may have been feeling very sardine-like when you squeezed your fat ass into the seat next to me deciding that that was the time, and I was your gal for conducting the penultimate experiment and proving reality wrong. Much to my dismay and to that of the two sitting perpendicular to us, your flawlessly executed although painfully unproductive maneuver proved your hypothesis that one could indeed fit two fatasses into the two seater nearest the door dreadfully wrong. Instead of our two fat asses occupying a similar space, I had been squeezed partially onto the laps of the couple who were sitting perpendicular to us as well as having my leg wrenched into the support and grip pole. Although I am thankful for its exsistance, the two seater certainly needing the support with you trying to squeeze your fat ass into it next to mine, I discovered the next morning that the pole left a little bruisey reminder of your failed plight.
While understanding that your dreams had just been shattered, as your test subject, I could've done without your heavy breathing and sighs of annoyance, which only caused your biomass to take up more space and further served to prove you wrong. Additionally, post experiment, when you were desparately trying to release your mind from failure's strong grip by rummaging through your bag to pull out some sort of reading material, a code of ethics and best practices manual, to find out where, oh god where, could you have absolutely gone wrong to face such career suicide and demise, you could've shed some mercy upon me, your severely disappointed test subject, and refrained from consistently elbowing me in the side and placing your arms and biomass on top of mine. As can be expected, your genius was unfaltered and you still could not find anything in the manual to explain the failure of the experiment. Unfortunately this realization made you nervous and caused you to twitch, shake, and fidget nervously, sending me further off the seat with additional biomass jiggling upon me. Yet you still pressed forth into the manual, searching for answers you knew were not there, flipping page after page while still subconsciously yet physically still trying to make everything right.
I know that I have been fortunate. I usually take the brown home, but this evening I diverted my usual path home to take part in a container gardening class at whole foods which caused me to take the red train to howard and fall helplessly into your revolutionary scientific experiment as well as into your loving elbows and fat ass. I value and cherish every single moment that we spent together. I respect the way that you tore open my strategic train sitting plan so that I could further perfect it. I know you had my best interests in mind.
Thank you sir, I owe you a debt far greater than one could ever imagine. However, if you ever pull that bullshit again and try to squeeze your fatass in the small seat next to the one where I am already seated, I'm going to reach under your spare tire, between your globulous legs, grab onto your nutsac and rip your balls right off of your body. Mind your size, asshole, and learn to have some respect and common courtesy for those around you, especially the fat asses. I would love to write more, but it's time for lunch. I think we both know better than to keep a fatass from his or her food.
Yours truly,
Girl with fat ass
XOXO
I have a fat ass. I'm fully aware of my rotundness and the amount of space that I take when sitting on the train. While I've recently lost some weight and continue to lose weight, I still am larger than your average train rider. One might even say that I am large and in charge. Why is that you ask? Because I am big, I know I'm big, and I'm doing my damndest not to burden others with my size, especially on the train. It is for this reason that I strategically choose my seat on the train on my commute to and from work in the loop every day. You see, I am one of the lucky one's who lives near a far stop and works near a stop where hardly anyone gets on. I almost always get a seat on the train. This is the strategy that I follow, in order of preference:
- If there is a single seater row, take it.
- If there are no single seats available, always take a seat on the inside of a completely empty two seater, leaving the aisle free
- If the only completely empty two-seater left is the sideways seat nearest the door, take the seat farthest from the door and metal partition so that in the event that someone sits next to me, I have some room to scoot over.
- If there are no two seaters available, stand.
By following this strategy of chosing seats on the train, I leave the decision to sit with the fat girl up to someone else's discretion. I've found that a majority of the people who choose to sit with me are petite and as such are unbothered by my fat ass sitting next to them. My absolute refusal to foist myself upon anyone already seated is also highly efficient in decreasing the incidents of annoying anyone with my fat ass. Taking great pride in my plan, I thought that I had train riding down to an exact science. That is, until you came along. Little did I realize that my near perfect train sitting strategy had one tiny flaw which you so deftfully reavealed.
Sir, you too have a fat ass. Perhaps it hadn't occurred to you, or maybe you still picture yourself as the much smaller, younger man with more hair from your college days. Another possibility is that you have severe depth perception issues that have caused you to seek the care of an opthomologist. Regardless of the cause of your denial of the self-evident, the simple truth remains that you are a large man. Realize and embrace your stature! It's OK. As stated above, I'm fat too. I fully understand the fat person's plight in the world.
Congratulations, you have successfully joined the ranks of many fat people all over Chicago. That being said, I take it as my duty to inform you that due to the nature of reality, two bodies may not simultaneously occupy the same space. Similarly, two fatasses cannot sit in the same two seater on the train, especially in the sideways two seater with the metal partition nearest to the door. I can understand that you enjoy a challenge and would love to prove the nature of reality wrong. However, I would've deeply appreciated it if you had found another fat ass to take part in your experiment, preferably one who had given prior written consent.
Perhaps the scent of my tuna sandwich from lunch hadn't completely vanished from my breath with the sugar-free gum I had chewed in the afternoon, and you mistook me for a sardine. Also still full from your lunch of various batter dipped and fried seafood, you may have been feeling very sardine-like when you squeezed your fat ass into the seat next to me deciding that that was the time, and I was your gal for conducting the penultimate experiment and proving reality wrong. Much to my dismay and to that of the two sitting perpendicular to us, your flawlessly executed although painfully unproductive maneuver proved your hypothesis that one could indeed fit two fatasses into the two seater nearest the door dreadfully wrong. Instead of our two fat asses occupying a similar space, I had been squeezed partially onto the laps of the couple who were sitting perpendicular to us as well as having my leg wrenched into the support and grip pole. Although I am thankful for its exsistance, the two seater certainly needing the support with you trying to squeeze your fat ass into it next to mine, I discovered the next morning that the pole left a little bruisey reminder of your failed plight.
While understanding that your dreams had just been shattered, as your test subject, I could've done without your heavy breathing and sighs of annoyance, which only caused your biomass to take up more space and further served to prove you wrong. Additionally, post experiment, when you were desparately trying to release your mind from failure's strong grip by rummaging through your bag to pull out some sort of reading material, a code of ethics and best practices manual, to find out where, oh god where, could you have absolutely gone wrong to face such career suicide and demise, you could've shed some mercy upon me, your severely disappointed test subject, and refrained from consistently elbowing me in the side and placing your arms and biomass on top of mine. As can be expected, your genius was unfaltered and you still could not find anything in the manual to explain the failure of the experiment. Unfortunately this realization made you nervous and caused you to twitch, shake, and fidget nervously, sending me further off the seat with additional biomass jiggling upon me. Yet you still pressed forth into the manual, searching for answers you knew were not there, flipping page after page while still subconsciously yet physically still trying to make everything right.
I know that I have been fortunate. I usually take the brown home, but this evening I diverted my usual path home to take part in a container gardening class at whole foods which caused me to take the red train to howard and fall helplessly into your revolutionary scientific experiment as well as into your loving elbows and fat ass. I value and cherish every single moment that we spent together. I respect the way that you tore open my strategic train sitting plan so that I could further perfect it. I know you had my best interests in mind.
Thank you sir, I owe you a debt far greater than one could ever imagine. However, if you ever pull that bullshit again and try to squeeze your fatass in the small seat next to the one where I am already seated, I'm going to reach under your spare tire, between your globulous legs, grab onto your nutsac and rip your balls right off of your body. Mind your size, asshole, and learn to have some respect and common courtesy for those around you, especially the fat asses. I would love to write more, but it's time for lunch. I think we both know better than to keep a fatass from his or her food.
Yours truly,
Girl with fat ass
XOXO
